Fallen Jokes / Recent Jokes

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor more...

These were located on the Net as feedback received from college students on various issues:
"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."
"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
"Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread text."
"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another?
"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
"The instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
"Text is useless; used it to kill roaches in my room."
"In class the syllabus is more important than you."
"I'm convinced you can learn by osmosis by sitting in class."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I more...

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale
and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar more...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"What type of bra?" asked the clerk."Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?""Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.Confused, the man asked what the types were.The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." Military
Buying a Bra "A man walked more...

A young, attractive teacher was concerned about one of her twelve year old students. She took him aside after class one day and asked, "Matthew, is there any particular reason why your schoolwork has been so poor lately?"
"I can't seem to concentrate," replied Matthew. "I think I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back a smile. "With whom have you fallen in love?"
"With you!" Matthew declared.
"But Matthew," exclaimed the rather flattered teacher, "don't you see how silly that is? It's a fact that I would like a husband of my own someday, but I certainly don't want a child."
"Oh, you don't have to worry," replied Matthew, "I'll be careful."

(Sorry guys, you have to be a Ceylonese to enjoy this joke)
So, the King Dutugemunu decided to teach a lesson to King Elara becuase he behaved too badly.
When King Dutugemunu starts off to make war, he always accompany his 10 great fighters or
the so called' Dasa Maha Yodhayo'. Pussadeva is the one who always lead the battalion with the
famous conch shell in hand. It is said that when he blows that conch shell the sound of it can
be heard from a distance of 8 miles('Siv yodunak').
This particular day, Pussadeva could not find his conch shell (or' Haka' in Sinhalese) when summoned
by the King Dutugemunu. Unable to find a' Haka' fitting to a Yodaya, he had to borrow the next biggest
'haka' from the temple. This' haka' popularly known as' pansal haka' too is as big as' Pussadeva haka'.
The army is marching towards Vijithapura with Pussadeva leading with his' pansal haka' in hand. They
were marching on a' palama' (bridge) over the river more...