Features Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this more...

When they say and what they really mean...

* SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.

* OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.

* WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

* SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.

* NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.

* UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.

* MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.

* CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

* MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

* NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

* MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

* COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.

* LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer more...

Revision codes
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there’s substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
1. 0: Also known as “one point uh-oh”, or”barely out of beta”. We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We’re praying that you’ll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
1. 1: We fixed all the killer bugs …
1. 2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.
2. 0: We did the product we really more...

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0
marketing name: Fiancee 1.0. Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0
and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be
running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0
came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd
like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
Shutdown feature
An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade.
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they
tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall
GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall
it by hand, but it more...

If architects had to work like programmers. . . Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite more...

"Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, service to Los Angeles continuing on to San Diego.I am your chief purser and Captain Vinod Devasia is in control of this flight. Before we take off, we'd like to acquaint you with some of the safety features of this Boeing 767. You know about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket for information on all features of our aircraft. "Please do pay attention to the new security features. "In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They are fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, cantered on the middle of more...

Manufactured by: MOMCATT - Makers Of Many CATTs
Anytown USA (Offices around the World)

FEATURES

Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video Inputs
Dual Audio Inputs
Audio Output
Main Input Multiplexed with Error Output
Auto Search for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Auto Sleep When Not in Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Self Cleaning

Production Details

After basic construction, the unit undergoes 6 weeks of ROM
programming and burn-in testing. MOMCATT will typically reject
inferior products, but sometimes people will salvage rejected units.

These factory seconds may or may not perform the same as units that
pass the standard acceptance testing. All of the previously listed
features are installed during this interval. Since MOMCATT uses many
different suppliers, there is wide variation between the more...