Federal Jokes / Recent Jokes
During a terrible snowstorm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs 12 inches at a cost of 6 million dolars.
"That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it; instead of the federal government."
"Why's that?"
"Because knowing the Federal government, they'd decided to lower all the highways."
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,
"It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with
U. S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal".
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had more...
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS
By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush
filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus
from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint
seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon,
asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of
checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time
before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas,
asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and
desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and
certify the original list as submitted, without amendment,
alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is
nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more more...
The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.
There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.
Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.
The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.
Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.
American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.
The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3 million people working full time for a year, just to comply with the taxes on individuals and businesses.
The more...
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full more...
The following came through a long sequence of forwardings, but managed to
retain an attribution:
Kathy Dysert
[email protected]
Here's something that came to my husband with some other information.
AND HERE IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he
averages about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day
(working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Seinfeld.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 more...
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It`s totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, more...