Federal Jokes / Recent Jokes

That Jim Mica feller what posted that there thing 'bout the bugs on the TV sets in Atlanta was mighty sarcastic 'bout the South. I 'spect he don't know much at all 'bout this part of the country. Sure, we are different and special. That's why we done got a special Census form so that we can make the Federal Gov'ment unnerstand jus' how they need to count us. Everyone down here knows that a damyankee don't know nuthin. I'm attachin' the first part of our Census form so you kin see just how clever we really are when it comes to countin' people. I'll post the second part tomorry.
The 2000 Federal Census for Rednecks
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not more...

The Gettysburg Address Is 269 Words, The Declaration Of Independence Is 1, 337 Words, And The Holy Bible Is Only 773, 000 Words. However, The Us Tax Law Has Grown From 11, 400 Words In 1913, To 7 Million Words Today.

There Are At Least 480 Different Tax Forms, Each With Many Pages Of Instructions.

Even The Easiest Form, The 1040ez Has 33 Pages In Instructions, And All In Fine Print.

The Irs (Internal Revenue Service - Us Taxing Authority) Sends Out 8 Billion Pages Of Forms And Instructions Each Year. Laid End To End, They Would Stretch 28 Times Around The Earth.

Nearly 300, 000 Trees Are Cut Down Yearly To Produce The Paper For All The Irs Forms And Instructions.

American Taxpayers Spend $200 Billion And 5. 4 Billion Hours Working To Comply With Federal Taxes Each Year, More Than It Takes To Produce Every Car, Truck, And Van In The United States.

The Burden Of Compliance Is The Equivalent To A Staff Of 3 Million People more...

Bush legal team sues Santa Claus
By S. Artist Reuters AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking more...

BREAKING NEWS: BUSH SEEKS TO ENJOIN SANTA FROM CHECKING LIST TWICE
Lack of Standards Decried
Austin, TX (Dec. 13)--Attorneys for President-Elect George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit filed in Federal District Court in Austin, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This more...

NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's CostumeMEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even if he is from the planet Zambodia. But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court. Slug PM-Prince Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p. m. EDT.

An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" Michael Jordan will make over $300, 000 a game: $10, 000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178, 100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52, 000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7. 00, but he'll make $18, 550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7, 415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike). He'll make $3, 710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90, 000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2. 00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33, more...

Bush legal team sues Santa Claus
By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking more...