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*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f... manual) to show that they're "hip" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RDFM").
*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!
*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.
*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a more...

Dear Tech Support, Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please! Sincerely,
XXX Dear XXX, This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary more...

YOUR DELETE KEY
Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless or insufficient manner.
INTRODUCTION
The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.
Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation, humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.
LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
Lift your hands off the key board.
Scan the keys for a key labeled more...

President Obama recently confirmed that his campaign files were hacked. In a related story, Senator John McCain claims that somebody hacked into his Telegraph.

Dear Tech Support:
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Hang out with the Guys Night 10.3, Multiple Sports Nights 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary more...

Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it more...

Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key more...