Files Jokes / Recent Jokes

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don`t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain`s desktop computer, even if it`s turned off.

Powerful computers beep more...

"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming." I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All more...

Dear Tech Support:I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Hang out with the Guys Night 10.3, Multiple Sports Nights 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe
Dear Joe:This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from more...

The first posting of a young entrant to the Indian Administrative Service was as a junior assistant to the Secretary of the Ministry.
One morning, he took some important files to discuss with his boss. After knocking on the door and receiving no reply he gently pushed open the door to find his senior standing by the window deeply engrossed in his thoughts. He tiptoed out of the room.
Since the files were marked' immediate' he went back to the Secretary's room and again receiving no reply to his knock, went in. The boss was still standing where he had been, intently looking out of the window. Junior sahib coughed lightly to make his presence known. The secretary turned round and remarked,' How can this country go forward? For the last one hour I have been watching the workmen on the road. They haven't done a stroke of work.'

Be On The Lookout For The Following New Viruses:
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER more...

Be on the lookout for the following viruses
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data but forgets where it is stored
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes
OPRA WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted
TITANIC VIRUS(A strain of Lewinsky virus)
Your whole computer goes down
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it - through more...

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C: POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER more...