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CHECK YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
LEWINSKY VIRUS - sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - quits after one byte
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.
DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS - deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - you can no longer insert disks into your computer.
TITANIC VIRUS - your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS - everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS - screws up your ram, but your processor doesn`t care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS - only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - terminates some files, leaves, but it`ll be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - turns your hard drive into a 3. 5 inch floppy.
VIAGRA VIRUS - turns your 3. 5 inch floppy into a hard drive.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3. 1 to GirlFriendPlus1. 0 (marketing name: Fiancee1. 0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1. 0 to Wife1. 0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1. 0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1. 0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4. 0: 1. A "Don't remind me again" button. 2. Minimize button. 3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4. 0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects). I tried running Girlfriend 2. 0 with Girlfriend 1. 0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1. 0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put more...

INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of
POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.
MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.
MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense."
CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other more...

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Congressional Virus v 2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer more...

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Congressional Virus v
2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer more...

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:Congressional Virus v2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in more...

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long
counter intuitive names. Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something
like:
AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.
Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in
macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include
files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference
those include files.
Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your
code. If they understand it, they don't need you.
Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary
in the world should be generated from the same sources.
Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always
hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don't
need you.
Never code a function to return a value. more...