Fit Jokes / Recent Jokes
P. Harris
Problem Probable Cause Remedy
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket
and turn socket on
Not turned on Turned off Turn on.
Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get
a real stereo.
Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.
sound
Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.
Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.
Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place
no aerial record on deck, place
stylus on record.
Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace
with `Hells Bells' by
ACDC set volume to ten,
place stylus on record.
Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and
or learn to say `eh?'
Don't more...
Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the more...
Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A. Nice tits!
Q. Why do they call it PMS?
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's the difference between a muff-dive and a speed-trap?
A. With a muff-dive you always have a clear view of the cunt!!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get fucked.
Q. What's the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers
A. You can only fit one cunt in a pair of knickers.
Q. What did Yul Brynner say to Freddy Mercury in heaven?
A. So the fags got you too! !
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a more...
How do you fit five elephants into a car? Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment!
The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we more...
A blonde was trying to put together a puzzle but none of the pieces would fit together. She called her boyfriend and asked, "Can you come over? I'm trying to put this puzzle together but none of the pieces fit together."
He replied "Well what is the puzzle suppose to look like?"
"A rooster" she said.
The boyfriend decided to go over, took one look at the "puzzle" and told her to put the Corn Flakes back in the box.
The average suth'ner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
The average suth'ner knows pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
The average suth'ner knows what general direction "cattywumpus" is.
The average suth'ner knows that "gimme sugar"don't mean pass the sugar.
The average suth'ner knows when somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
The average suth'ner knows how good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
The average suth'ner knows what, "Well, I Suwannee!" means.
The average suth'ner knows ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!
The average suth'ner knows a good dog is worth its weight in gold.
The average suth'ner knows real gravy don't come from a store.
The average suth'ner knows when "by and by" is.
The average suth'ner knows how to more...