Fix Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You more...

In order for us to understand your problem, we advise you to answer all the
questions. Circle the most appropriate for multiple/single choice questions.
We can assure you that; based on your answers; we will send an engineer within
two months upon receiving the completed form.
1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked more...

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me more...

Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
________________________________
________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem
accurately:
________________________________
________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause
of the problem:
________________________________
________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor __
B. Minor __
C. Minor __
D. Trivial __
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up __
B. Frozen __
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes __
No __
7. Is it turned on?
Yes __
No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes __
No __
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows
all about computers. Try to fix it
for you?
Yes __ No __
11. Did they make it even worse?
Yes __
12. more...

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You
need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to
fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and
yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck more...

When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.
When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or a hamster, with things about it that you're dissatisfied with and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without the almost risk of setting off disastrous events that you more...

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> Something in the way it fails,
> Defies the algorithm's logic!
> Something in the way it coredumps...
>
> I don't want to leave it now
> I'll fix this problem somehow
>
> Somewhere in the memory I know,
> A pointer's got to be corrupted.
> Stepping in the debugger will show me...
>
> I don't want to leave it now
> I'm too close to leave it now
>
> You're asking me can this code go?
> I don't know, I don't know...
> What sequence causes it to blow?
> I don't know, I don't know...
>
> Something in the initializing code?
> And all I have to do is think of it!
> Something in the listing will show me...
>
> I don't want to leave it now
> I'll fix this tonight I vow!