Fixing Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was an older man who`d married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom. He couldn`t last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn`t matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.
The doctor said "Well, there`s one easy solution. Before you have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you`ll last longer when you`re with her."
The next day the man gets a call from his wife while he`s at work. In a husky voice she tells him "I`m going to ravish you when you get home tonight. We`re going to have a mammoth sex session."
The man can`t concentrate on work for the rest of the day and finally 5: 30 comes round and he`s the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife.
While driving he remembers his doctor`s advice. So he pulls over onto a quiet road. But he can`t just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decides he`ll lie under the car and pretend more...

Revision codes
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there’s substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
1. 0: Also known as “one point uh-oh”, or”barely out of beta”. We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We’re praying that you’ll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
1. 1: We fixed all the killer bugs …
1. 2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.
2. 0: We did the product we really more...

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girlfriend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He askedhis girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm hewent back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could notcontinue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands. She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm hewent back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been outthere five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm hishands. His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"

Calling me with a question - $10
Calling me with a stupid question - $20
Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30
Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate
problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00
Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00
Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100
Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my
end somehow - $200
Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
problem - $45/hr
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that more...

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately".
The three models start preparing for the worst.
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we're about to crash?". Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces".
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?" Cindy responds: "I have it on more...