Claudia Jokes

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking:' The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking:' The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking:' This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again.

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English more...

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately! ”
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash! ”
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up. ”
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about more...

The Perfect Day According To... HER8: 45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses9: 00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale9: 30 - Light breakfast11: 00 - Sunbathe12: 30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe1: 45 - Shopping2: 30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs. 3: 00 - Facial, massage, nap7: 30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing10: 00 - Make love11: 30 - Pillow talk in his big strong armsHIM10: 00 - Wake up10: 02 - SEX10: 10 - Big Breakfast11: 30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters2: 15 - Enormous lunch with BEER3: 15 - SEX3: 25 - Play sports with the guys4: 30 - Drink BEER with the guys6: 30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer6: 40 - SEX6: 50 - Huge dinner, more BEER8: 00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer11: 00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER11: 10 - Sleep2: 30 - Fart

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"
Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to more...