Fella Jokes

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause more...

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking:' The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking:' The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking:' This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again.

A fella won a million and a friend asked him what he would do with it.
"Well," said the fella,"I plan to spend $250,000 on wine, the same on women and the same on song."
"What are you doing with what's left over?" asked the friend.
"I'll probably just waste that," replied the fella.

Three men (an Aussie, an Irish bloke and a German fella) are in an old plane trying to make it around the world. As they pass Germany, the German fella yells, "I love my country!" and throws a bag of gold overboard.
When they pass Ireland, the Irish bloke shouts, "I love my country!" and throws a bag of silver overboard.
When they pass Australia, the Aussie yells, "I hate my country!" and he throws a bomb overboard.
They finished their flight soon thereafter. When the German gets back to his country, he walks along happily until he sees a small boy crying. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Can I help?"
The little boy cries, "A bag of gold hit my mother on the head, and now she's unconscious in the hospital." The German walks away, feeling sorry for the little fella.
When the Irish bloke gets to his country, he sees a little girl crying in the street, and he asks her what's wrong. The little girl replies, "My more...

How can you tell the Irish fella in the hospital ward?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.