Flame Jokes / Recent Jokes
How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1, 392:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,
4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,
53 to flame the spell checkers,
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt. lite. bulb,
203 to demand that cross posting to alt. grammar, alt. spelling and alt. more...
Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!
Q: How many rec. humor. funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.
Q: How many rec. humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32. .. Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec. humor (US spelling) *not* rec. more...
What REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through our our
nation's capital:
3:15 Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol
3:30 Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole.
5:00 One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch.
5:15 Torch enters Northeast Washington
5:16 First recorded case of "Torch-jacking" occurs.
6:00 After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and
repurchased for $25
6:15 Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion
Barry uses it to light his crack pipe.
6:20 Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take
the torch to the country for "spiritual renewal".
6:30 Torch heads into Northwest Washington
6:35 Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole.
6:45 Torch is recovered (runner is never found).
6:55 Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to have
such a high profile "flame" in their area.
7:00 Torch runner attempts to hand off more...
From the SF Chronicle "Personals" Column, Friday, February 9th:
Advertising Age's Lenore Skenazy asked readers to come up with
imaginary ads "to brazenly exploit a solemn site," such as the recent
rash of ads featuring the Berlin Wall. An excerpt:
The Washington Monument is the setting. The line: "Don't be the father
of your country. Trojan condoms."
Russians filing by Lenin's tomb are shown. The line: "Liked our
leader? You'll love Vlasic dills. They're pickled in glass, too!"
A man standing near the eternal flame at JFK's grave lights a cigarette.
The line: "Bic. Only one flame lasts longer."
The setting is a manger in Bethlehem, with a radiant glow around the
baby's cradle. The line, as said by Mary (looking upward): "I said a Bud
Light."
On the first day of Christmas,
My good friend sent to me,
A gecko in a flame tree.
On the second day of Christmas,
My true friend gave to me,
Two tape recorders.
And a gecko in a flame tree.
On the third day of Christmas,
My true friend gave to me,
Three air conditioners.
Two tape recorders.
And a gecko in a flame tree.
On the forth day of Christmas
My true friend gave to me,
Four rolls of plastic.
Three air conditioners.
Two tape recorders.
And a gecko in a flame tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas.
My true friend gave to me,
Five princess rings.
Four rolls of plastic.
Three air conditioners.
Two tape recorders.
And a gecko in a flame tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true friend gave to me,
Six days in Hong Kong.
Five princess rings.
Four rolls of plastic.
Three air conditioners.
Two tape more...
"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"
"Knock Up Foreign Broads"
"All The Grits You Can Eat"
"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
"Cubicles Are For Wusses"
"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
"Beat Up Sailors"
"We Won't Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don''t Accessorize"
"Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
"Play Doom? For Real!"
"Sure Beats Lurnin''''!"
"Because Terminators Are Real"
During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:
The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.
During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teacher's bunsen. For safety's sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where that's going?
I opened the cupboard 'neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, "Er, Sir..." just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. more...