Forest Jokes / Recent Jokes

So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.The head headhunter says "If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back"So the hikers did that and came back.The head head hunter said "Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass."So the first hiker has apples... Ok, apples it shouldn't be too hard.1 up okay... 2 up the hiker starts screeming, so the headhunters chop off his head. The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy! 1 up okay... 2 up fine... 3... 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples askes the hiker who had the grapes "What happened... you had grapes, I mean you got killed c'mon what happened?"The guy who had more...

Three
men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial
was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same
kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I
brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or
you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one
he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought
to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...
and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and
was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The
first more...

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three wishes."The bear says "I wish all the bears in the forest were females." *poof* It's done.The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." *poof* It's done.The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females." *poof* It's done.The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house." *poof* It's done.The bear is thinking to himself "why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well." "And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female." *poof* It's done.The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay." And he rides off on his motorcycle.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest? A. They take the psycho path.

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"