Forgiven Jokes

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"The guy replied, "24 years."St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was more...

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man's private parts.
The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My right hand."
The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary's and all will be forgiven.
The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."
The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary's and all will be forgiven.
Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"
The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me more...

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.
So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.
The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"
"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!" said the abbot.
So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee more...

There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the "real" world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.
As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend "out on the
town" in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.
Monday morning they more...

Three guys died and arrived at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met them and said, "I realize all three of you have been forgiven because you are here, but before I allow you into Heaven I must ask you a question. The answer you give will determine what kind of car you get. Cars are needed in Heaven because it is so big."
St. Peter approached the first man and asked, "How long were you married?" "Twenty-five years," he replied.
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" asked St. Peter. "Yes, 6 times, but you did say I was forgiven," he replied.
"Yes, but that's still not very good. Here, you get a Pinto to drive," replied St. Peter.
He then approached the second man and asked the same questions. "I was married for 38 years and I did cheat on her once, but that was during our first few months of marriage. We worked things out and it never happened again," the second man said.
"I am very pleased to more...