Forgiven Jokes / Recent Jokes

Four nuns walk up to the Father to confess their sins.
The first nuns walks up and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have seen a man's penis."
"Rinse your eyes in the Holy Water and all will be forgiven." replies the Father.
The 2nd nun walks up and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have touched a man's penis."
"Rinse your hands in the Holy Water and all will be forgiven." replies the Father.
He then notices the 3rd and 4th nun fighting for their place in line. He goes to them and says, "Sisters, Sisters, what is the fighting for?"
The 4th nun replies, "Well there is no way in Hell I'm drinking the Holy Water after she's stuck her ass in it!"

Three guys died and arrived at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met them and said, "I realize all three of you have been forgiven because you are here, but before I allow you into Heaven I must ask you a question. The answer you give will determine what kind of car you get. Cars are needed in Heaven because it is so big."
St. Peter approached the first man and asked, "How long were you married?" "Twenty-five years," he replied.
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" asked St. Peter. "Yes, 6 times, but you did say I was forgiven," he replied.
"Yes, but that's still not very good. Here, you get a Pinto to drive," replied St. Peter.
He then approached the second man and asked the same questions. "I was married for 38 years and I did cheat on her once, but that was during our first few months of marriage. We worked things out and it never happened again," the second man said.
"I am very pleased to more...

Many years ago in a small Indian village, A farmer had the misfortune Of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The Moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful Daughter. So he proposed a bargain.
He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his Daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the Proposal.
So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter.
He told them that he would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would Have to pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.
2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.
3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into Jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As They more...

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.
So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.
The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"
"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!" said the abbot.
So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee more...

Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said " I know you guys are forgiven because you are here but before you get into heaven I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven as it is so big". St Peter asks the first guy: How long were you married? he replies 24 years. Did u ever cheat on your wife? asks St Peter The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Skoda to drive. The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Mondeo." The third guy walked up and said, " Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife more...

One day there were these 5 little boys
the first little boy went to the priest and went bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water and the priest goes your forgivin
the second little boy goes to the priest bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
the third little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
the fourth little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
then the fifth little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes i know you threw peanut in the water too the boy goes no i is peanut

There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the "real" world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.
As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend "out on the
town" in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.
Monday morning they more...