Friday Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Irishman goes into a pub and orders 3 cold Guinnesses. The Barman gives him the three drinks which the man drinks one after another. The following week, exactly the same thing happens and being a bit curious, the barman told the Irishman that there was no need to order three at a go as he would gladly serve him one at a time. The Irishman told him that he did not understand. He had a brother in Canada and another in New York and that every Friday all three had a toast to each other. His brothers were doing the same in Canada and New York.
This went on for a few weeks and one Friday the Irishman ordered only two Guinnesses. "Oh!" said the barman. "I'm sorry to think one of your brother might have passed away".
"No, no, that's not it" said the Irishman. "I quit drinking last week".

A few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar...
"Damn- that s**t is DOPE!"
~~~ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.
"I can't FADE that!"
~~~ I am unable to hande this at this time.
"Shante ain't HAVIN' it!"
~~~ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.
"Homey-Boo was dropping PHAT beats."
~~~ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.
"YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"
~~~ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?
"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"
~~~ I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.
"What's up? Why you ALL UP IN my s**t!?!"
~~~ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.
"She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"
~~~ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existant at this more...

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad? ” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son…. Men use them to have safe sex. ” “Oh I see, ” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school. ” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package. ” The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. ” “Cool! ” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for? ” “Those are for college men. ” the dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday. ” “WOW! ” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE? ” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….. ”

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

Despite scattered reports of violence, U. S. shoppers sustained minimal
casualties during the first few days of the holiday shopping blitz that
began last Friday.
But rampant consumerism turned deadly at a Wal-Mart in Kentucky yesterday
when two shoppers were slain by a heavily armed Robosapien, a remote-control
robot that is one of this year’s hottest gifts. Police are trying to
determine whether the toy acted alone or was operated by a disgruntled
human.
The death toll now stands at three - a Texas tot was crushed by a giant
SpongeBob SquarePants - but analysts say it could climb as determined
consumers battle for coveted items under the pressure of a Dec. 25 deadline.
The annual battle to purchase material goods for Jesus’s birthday began the
day after Thanksgiving (aka Black Friday) with a coordinated pre-dawn
assault on the nation’s retailers.
Bargain-hunting consumers coast-to-coast mobbed the nearest more...

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities. The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms?" The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?" The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon." "UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two more...

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning", a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.

"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths.

It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the death rattle and eventually the solid beep over the whirring of her polisher.

"We are sorry, and have sent a strong more...