Fuck Jokes / Recent Jokes

The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "Fuck, missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it no more. "Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".

It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "Fuck, missed! !". Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign".

It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "Fuck, missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.

A voice was heard in the clouds "Fuck, missed! !"

There was a fireman who when he came home told his wife that he wanted to run their house more like the fire station, so his wife asked him how.
The man said that at the firestation there is a three bell system: at the first bell we all get dressed for the fire, at the second we slide down the pole, at the third we go to the fire. When I get home and yell bell one I want you to go to the bedroom. When I yell bell two I want you to take off all your clothes. When I yell bell three we will begin to fuck all night.
She agreed and the next night when he came home he yelled bell one and she went to the bedroom, he yelled bell two and she stripped off all her clothes, and when he yelled bell three they began to fuck. A little while into it she yelled bell four, he exclaimed what the hell is bell four? she replied, "More hose you asshole, you are no where near the fire!"

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up. While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking. One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible." The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing."

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.
Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?" It sure is he replied, and it's for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck. He agreed.
Well the other son being the "bad" kid went straight for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hitting on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesn't have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want more...

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?" It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.Well the other son being the "bad" kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they more...

A man is in a garden, when a ladder comes down from the heavens. He hears an unearthly voice saying: "Climb the ladder to success". So he goes up, and after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing on the side of the ladder. She says to him: "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides he rather have success.
He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides its not worth it.
He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are increasing in number as he climbs the ladder. So he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top.
Theres a young man sitting there. "Hi, I'm Cess."

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up.While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking.One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing."