Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes

The bathroom door is closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out. Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, nor am I trapped.

I know that I have left it unlocked at times, and even open at times, once you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was there, but it's been 10 years and I want some privacy.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door. Do not go running back to the phone yelling, "He's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two, this got to be a little tiresome.

Do not let the dog/cat in because you think he/she "misses more...

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden more...

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at more...

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You!... Off my planet!

8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

10. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

12. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

13. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

14. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

15. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

16. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

17. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen more...

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?

BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots... and I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice):
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

God must love stupid people...He made SO many.