Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
4) Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
5) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
6) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
7) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Original List (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List. .. (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly-bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady-splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List. .. (at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where more...
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian more...
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Got any penicillin?
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living.
But everybody looks funny naked.
How long do you plan to be' almost there'?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
But my cat always sleeps on the pillow!
Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
Did I mention the video camera?
My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
2. You chew on your wife's fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. You can't remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
9. You don't sweat- you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down; or preferably, put it back up when finished.
3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = Sports.
5. Anything you wear is fine, really.
6. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
7. You have too many shoes & plenty of clothes.
8. Crying is not the answer. Crying is blackmail.
9. We're not mind-readers. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Mark anniversaries & birthdays on a calendar.
11. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a more...
1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty; get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't even act like you know what it's like.
6. If you talk about having a big one; we know you don't.
7. Size really does matter.
8. We don't like it when you *act* like Mr. Big; we like it when you *are* Mr.Big.
9. A stereo system in your car only impresses your buddies.
10. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
11. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
12. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.
13. Fashion police do exist.
14. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.
16. We don't shave our more...