Funny Ads Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships: ” DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS ”
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: “Belt your family. It’s the law. ”
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: “Broken English spoken perfectly”
At an Applebee’s restaraunt: “Notice: affective immediately! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes! ”
Fitness Center sign: “Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts. ”
In restaurant: “Open seven days a week and weekends. ”
On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: “Rome wasn’t built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor. ”
A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: “A more...

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4: 00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5: 00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” more...

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children $2. 00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now." An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed." Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department." On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!" A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!" Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now." An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed." Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department." On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer more...

In the world of Real Estate, there are some pretty strange things on the printouts from our local Multiple Listings Service -- descriptions of properties for sale in our area. A typo here, missed punctuation there or just plain bad phrasing can change the entire meaning of a' sales pitch'.
Here are some examples:"Three bedroom one bath fireplace.""Room for horses, cowchickens.""Back of home faces eighteen home championship golf course.""New art-deco bath & more. Near everything. Kitchen curtains do not say.""House backs up to one year round creek." (Big creek!)"Walkin pantry." (Where's it walkin' to?)"Country home with 2nd unit. Horse set up extra garage." (That's one SMART
horse!)"Five bedroom septic. Owners anxious." (I bet!)"Septic built for granny." (What a nice family.)"Huge veranda for those balby summer evenings." (Love those balby evenings, don't you?)