Gate Jokes / Recent Jokes

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying, "Much love, Mom."Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.A few minutes later, an announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

Nuns are admitted to heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so, says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well says the first nun in line, "I did once touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St.Peter, "Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven. The next nun admits that "Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on in here?" says St. Peter. "Well you excellency, "says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "if I'm more...

A guy dies and goes to heaven and he is met by St Peter at the gate who asks, "What did you do all your life?"

The man says, "Well, I was a doctor and I tried to cure people of illness and suffering."

St. Peter opened the gate and said, "Welcome. Come right in!"

The second man dies and he meets St. Peter at the gates and is asked what he had done all his life and he replies, "I was a pharmacist and I filled prescriptions that helped people feel better and relieved their pain."

"Welcome," says St. Peter. He opens the gate and lets the man in.

The third man dies and meets St. Peter at the gate.

"What did you do all your life?" asks St. Peter.

"Oh, I ran an HMO," he replied.

"Welcome," said St. Peter. " Come right in - BUT you can only stay 3 days."

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.""There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane...""Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.""We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.""Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign more...

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.

In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:

"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

Three naturalized American citizens were standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held bemoaning the fact that none of them could afford a ticket.
All three wanted SO much to be able to see the athletes from their native lands compete.
They watched as the competitors entered through a special back gate by giving the guard their country and event.
One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.
He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard "England. High jump." And the guard let him in!
"That's fantastic!" cried the second friend. He looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. "Russia. Discus," he told the guard, and in he went.
"Amazing" said the third friend, who by now was frantically searching around. But all he could find was some barbed wire. He grabbed it, rand to the gate, and announced "Poland. more...

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage more...