German Jokes / Recent Jokes
This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much..."So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure. Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%." The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?" The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?""Ya, that vill be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?" The German replies, "Vhy, ya." The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to more...
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got
stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle
of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Iranian men and 1 Iranian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island,
the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are
living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule
of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the
Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a more...
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that many cars will now be of German origin. To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:
1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators
2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet)
3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch
5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture
6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver
7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car
8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers
9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt
10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway Code
11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck
14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid
15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
A man walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Are you Polish?"
The man says, "Yes, but why do you ask? If I asked for Italian Sausage would you ask if I was Italian? Or if I asked for German Sausage would you ask if I was German? Or if I asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?!?
The clerk simply answered, "No."
The man said, "Then why did you just ask me if I was Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because this is a hardware store!"
Heaven is where the police are British, the mechanics German, the cooks are French, the lovers Italian, and all is organize by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the mechanics are French, the cooks are British, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians!