Goal Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL
Do you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?...
Well forget'em! This is **FOOTBALL**. With the all new standardized guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember what second base was or any of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing, and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The Original Handbook of Football!
Okay now for the yard lines.
your 10 yrd ln... holding hands
" 20 yrd ln... hugging
" 30 yrd more...

This was actually printed in a Home Economics book in the 50's intended to prepare girls for marriage. How times have changed!
Have dinner ready
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting
him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are
hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself
Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a
ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives,
gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
will feel he more...

I thought I'd tack on a little humor. I've been far too quiet for far too long. This is really what the Mormons believe.
From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...
I'd thought you'd enjoy this.
Mormon Instructions on avoiding Masturbation
From a Guide to Mormon Youth
"Guide to Self-Control: Overcoming Masturbation."
Enlist The Power Of Prayer
Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation.
Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.
When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "Stop!" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.
Exercise Vigorously
Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise, which reduce emotional tension and depression.
Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
Set Goals
Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a more...

>? My Boss had a "stroke of genius" and it killed him.
>
>? My Boss recently fired a gay employee. He called it "canning the fruit".
>
>? My Boss is a famous inventor. He created "the fluke".
>
>? Whenever "it's" going to hit the fan, my Boss makes sure I'm right down
>front.
>
>? I work in the company kitchen. My Boss said "If you ever drop food on the
>floor, just put it in the microwave for a few seconds to kill the germs.
>Then go ahead and put it on plates for the customers."
>
>? My Boss was complaining about how much time I used to take my wife to the
>doctor for her leukemia treatments. He said "You're making too much of
>this. We are all going to die sometime. Make sure your career doesn't die
>first."
>
>? We recently moved into a new building that didn't have enough space for
>our cubicles. I was told my cubicle wouldn't more...

ADAM & EVE
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't
find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were
earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve
now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."
THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always
caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The
reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and more...