Golf Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.
Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a more...

Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, "I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds. "Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard," said his friend, sadly. "The difficult part was putting him down... and then picking him up again after every stroke."

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled 'p-u-t' or 'p-u-t-t'?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.
"P-u-t means to place a thing where you want it.
And P-u-t-t means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself." Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman." Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman." Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell. When the doors opened, much to more...

Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. "You know," said the first friend, "I can always tell who the golfers are in church.""How's that?" asked his friend."It's easy," he said. "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........ stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

A man and his wife went golfing one day. The man ended the day by calling the authorities due to a golf ball hitting his wife in the head and instantly killing her. At the morgue, the pathologist explained to the man that the golf ball was indeed the cause of death of his wife. The pathologist did have one question. He asked the golfer how another golf ball had made it's way up his wife's ass. The golfer explained, that was my mulligan. (For the golfing novice, a mulligan is a free shot)