Government Jokes / Recent Jokes

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.
Create a need and fill it.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Dare to be average.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women." Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again."

And poof!... He was back at his desk in the government office!

The United States government had just completed an exhaustive study to
find out what purpose the head of a man's penis
served. After three years and almost 2 million dollars, they agreed that
it was to give the woman more pleasure.
Germany, finding out about the survey and not wishing to be left out,
spent 18 months and $450,000.00 and decided that the
head of a man's penis served to give the man more pleasure.
Poland, refusing to be outdone, conducted their own survey. After three
weeks and $29.50, they determined that it was to
keep Stash's hand from sliding off and hitting him in the forehead.

Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.
Brooke`s Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Calkin`s Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
Canada Bill Jones`s Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones`s Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Captain Penny`s Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can`t Fool Mom.
Carlson`s Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Carson`s Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, more...

China’s government banned the sale of the long awaited new Guns N Roses “Chinese Democracy” because it violated rules established by China's Ministry of Culture prohibiting the word "democracy" from use in the title of any work within mainland China. In a compromise move to appease Chinese censors, GNR frontman Axl Rose executed 4 Tibetan Monks and renamed the album “Chinese Brutally Oppressive, Totalitarian Regime”.

Socialism: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and gives you milk.
Fascism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and sells you milk.
Nazism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and shoots you.
Capitalism: You have two cows, you sell one of them and buy a bull.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows, the government takes both of them, shoots one of them, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Democracy: You have two cows, and they both go on strike.

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence."Thank you," he said."Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush."Yes.""Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."