Guards Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die...
1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead.
Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
The Newfie said "Give me another one of those shots." The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and he was doubled over laughing.
Finally the warden said "What is wrong with you?"
The Newfie replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom."

A
prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear
Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the
back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read
all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever
you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where
I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from
his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe
what happened, some men came with shovels to the house,
and dug up the entire back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear
wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone
in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks,
"Who sneezed?"
Noone answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of
people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks,
"Now, who sneezed?"
Again, noone answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last
three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks,
"Now! Who sneezed??"
A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says,
"Um, I did, comrade."
To which Stalin replies,
"Bless you."
... and then continues his speech.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . "
The blond shouts, "fire!!"

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One`s a brunette, one`s a redhead, and one`s a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks, if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . " The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks, if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready. . . Aim. . . " The blonde shouts, "fire!!"