Guide Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.

Consumer Marketing Ethics

Al Gore: The Wild Years

Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

Easy UNIX

Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

Everything Men Know about Women

Everything Women Know about Men

French Hospitality

George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

How to Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

The Amish Phone Book

And the Number One World's Shortest Book,

The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about' the bases' with your friends?"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it more...

Two jokes on the same theme...
Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Another researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.
Accompanied by his trusty guide, he too seeks out a very remote locale
for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his
guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder.
The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really
don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until
it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says
again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
"Hey man, he's not our regular more...

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hireda young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flockof birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh, no! These are foo birds andto shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The manfigured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him. He hollared at the boy, "I must have some water right away to washthis mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo birdoff means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored hisadvice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this storyis "If the foo shits, wear it."

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals around here?"
And the tourist guide says, "Yes. You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa."
And the tourist says, "But there may be still some cannibals."
And the tourist guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one last Monday."

I understand the fix a local hunting guide got himself into. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted. "I am," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."