Guide Jokes / Recent Jokes

by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.) Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. Look the other way just before cues. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment. Ask for a re-audition more...

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

Handy guide to modern science:If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.If it stinks, it's chemistry.If it doesn't work, it's physics.

The Perverse Guide To Getting HiredChapter 1 - The Resume Your resume is a crucial document that summarises theessence of your being to a potential employer. You must graba personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpoweringwonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom ofher parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as wellrun down now and join the other unemployed grads behind theappliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton tolive in. To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the writtenequivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter'sorange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experimentwith striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing yourname in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of yourmost sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add agood lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget yourpicture, more...

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

' Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender

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Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks more...

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals around here?"
And the tourist guide says, "Yes. You can be sure there is no cannibals in Africa."
And the tourist says, "But there may be still some cannibals."
And the tourist guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one last Monday."