Guide Jokes / Recent Jokes

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 2503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 2500 years old, and that was three years ago."

In Alaskas National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic." To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?""Oh thats easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

This guy dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives he's greeted by the Official Hell Tour Guide who proceeds to show him around.
Upon finishing the tour the guide asks, "say, do you smoke?"
The newly dead responds "Oh YEAH, I smoked for most of my life, I'm a real connoisseur of tobacco."
The guide responds with, "Well you're gonna LOVE Sundays! We'll have fine cigarettes from all over the world, the best Cuban cigars, quality pipe tobacco..."
Hell's latest addition is starting to think hey this won't be so bad after all when the guide says "so do you drink?"
"I love drinking", he responds, "my favorite pastime!"
"Well you're gonna LOVE Mondays when we drag out our best bourbons, Caribbean rums, our 25 single malt scotches, fresh Guinness from the brewery..." Our man is really excited now.
"Oh by the way", says the guide, interrupting blissful thoughts of an alcoholic stupor, more...

A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman."No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!"

A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

Yes, there is a difference in the way the English language is used on the Eastern and Western parts of the USA. This translation guide is said to have been found in an East Coast office of a major computer manufacturer.

Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors, customers, or other divisions on the left coast.


East Coast West Coast

absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for joe Joe's working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
brawl design review

ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline
oh shit thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned robust

punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the fuck up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent let me build on that more...