Hallmark Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hallmark Card: "Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

Hallmark Card: "I've always wanted someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it more...

Greeting cards unsuccessfully marketed by Hallmark
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real
snippy.
I heard you had herpes... and I feel terrible... I'd say "Get well soon"...
but I know it's incurable.
My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the
tire... I found your cat... Sorry!
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of
flowers and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find
out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright
side, she's a really good lay.
Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... Don't fret about your
wife though... She's moving in with me.
Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have
installed... Win '95.
You totalled your car... and can't more...