Hanging Jokes / Recent Jokes

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming: "My penis just died, my penis just died!"The nurses calm him down, and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him: "I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?" Grandpa replies: "Yes, it did... but today is the viewing!"

'Twas the night before christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me - we had nothing to do.
The gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat 2 feet of snow;
With the windchill, they said, it was 15 below.
And while all I could do was sit there a brood,
My girl saved the night and called out: "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots -
To cover out heads, our hands and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down,
And boarded the T bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, more...

I urgently needed a few days
off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought
that maybe if I acted crazy enough then he would tell me to take a few
days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the
ceiling & made funny noises. My co-worker (who`s blonde) asked me
what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
"... so, that the boss will think I`m overworked and going nuts and
give me a few days off."

A few minutes later the Boss
came into the office, saw me hanging from the ceiling and asked,
"What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You`re
crazy! I can`t have you hanging around here like that. You`re
stressed out. Go on, go home and get some rest for a couple of
days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. My co-worker (the
blonde) followed more...

What do you get hanging from Father Christmas roof? Tired arms!

There once was a nice lady and she used to pick up bums off the street and bring them to her house. She let the bums shower and sleep at her house and she would even give them something to eat.
One day she brought a bum home. She let him shower and then told him at night he had to sleep in the closet and if the pants hung in his face not to pull them down.
Later that night, after the bum had fallen asleep he woke up with the pants hanging in his face. Disobeying the nice lady, he pulled them down. The next morning the lady was angry to find her pants were no longer hanging, but she gave the bum a second chance.
The following night, at dinner, the bum was instructed to sleep on the floor. He was warned not to bother the cat because the cat bit. He said, "fine." During the night the man was awakened by the cat attacking him, so he shaved it.
In the morning, the nice lady woke up to find her cat hairless. She was pissed. She told the bum to leave. But, he more...

A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn more...

There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet - all the laundry, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie,' How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?'

'Well,' says Sophie,' when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash.'

'What if it is pointed up?' asks one of the women.

'Honey,' says Sophie,' on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!'