Hazard Jokes

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and a small, elderly man were playing golf.
Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green.
Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green.
The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly off. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup.
Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "Look Dad, if you're going to play, play fair."

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, more...

Things are slow in Heaven one day, so Moses suggests to Jesus that they go down to Earth and play a round of golf; Jesus agrees.
On the first hole, there's a long fairway with a water hazard before the green. Standing at the championship tee, Moses points to the novice tees and says "Jesus, I think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."
Jesus replies, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."
Jesus puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves Jesus' ball, and brings it back.
"Jesus," Moses says, "I really think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."
Jesus insists, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, more...

You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.

She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.

The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...