Hazard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, more...

One day, Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf. Moses pulled up to the tee, and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. He quickly raised his club, the water parted, and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Then, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
Next, the third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over a fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street, where it bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily more...

You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.

She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.

The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife. The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A more...

Jesus, Moses, and and old man go golfing. Jesus hits his ball into the water hazard. He walks on the water, hits his ball, and gets a two.
Moses hits his ball into the water hazard, parts the water, hits his ball, and gets a two.
Tho old man hits his ball two feet, a bird picks it up, drops it two inches from the hole, and a rabbit bumps it in and he gets a hole in one.
Then Moses turns to Jesus, and says, "why do you always have to bring your old man golfing with us?"

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up
to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond
and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the more...