Heartburn Jokes

A cannibal says to a doctor, "I have terrible heartburn."

"What did you eat?"

"A couple of missionaries with hooded robes." "How did you cook them?"

"Boiled."

"No wonder you have heartburn. Those aren't boilers. They're friars!"

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A lady walks into a bar and says," Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni." So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says," Would you like another?" She says," Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."
The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."
The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

A woman walks into a bar already wasted. She goes up to the bar and says,"
Beer tender, get me a bubble martuni with a little pickle in it."
So, the bar tender gives the women her drink. She downs it, and again she says,"
Beer tender, get me another bubble martuni with two little pickles in it."
Bar tender gives it to her and the woman downs it. Then she says, "
Beer tender give me a little peptobismal I have a little heartburn."
Bar tender says,"
First of all its not Beer tender, its bar tender, its not a bubble, its a double, its not a martuni, its a martini, its not a pickle its an olive and you dont have heartburn your left tits in the ashtray!"