Hello Jokes / Recent Jokes
Say open or close the light.
Say chok-o-late instead of chocolate.
Say Hullo instead of Hello.
Say Vot instead of What.
Everything you eat is sautéed in garlic, onion, chili and tomatoes.
Try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, tshick, tschick, tschick or pphht.
Nibble at a toothpick like dessert.
Say hello by simply raising your eyebrow.
Automatically shorten peoples name even though they are already short. Know some one named either, bobby, inky, pinky, chinky, or tinku.
Are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.
Arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's the norm.
Snap your fingers while dancing in a group.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
>>>>> > Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by
>>>>>> > the world-famous International Institute of Answering
>>>>>> > Machine Answers.
>>>>>> > ~~~~~
>>>>>> > A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
>>>>>> > why we're not here. So leave a message.
>>>>>> > ~~~~~
>>>>>> > Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
>>>>>> > sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
>>>>>> > If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
>>>>>> > enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
>>>>>> > you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
>>>>>> > ~~~~~
>>>>>> > Hi. Now you say something.
>>>>>> > ~~~~~
>>>>>> > (From a Japanese man in Toronto:) He-ro! This is Sato. If
>>>>>> > you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy
>>>>>> > message, I call sooner!
>>>>>> > ~~~~~
>>>>>> > Hi! John's more...
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[[]]][[]][[[[. I go down to the more...
The Inland Revenue.
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"I`ll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this more...
A cop pulls a young guy over:
"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn't see you!