Helpline Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ring, ring.
Hello, and welcome to the psychiatric helpline.
If you have compulsive obsessions, please press number one several times.
If you have problem with the self esteem, ask somebody to press number two for
you.
If you have multiple personalities, press numbers 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want, just keep the line
open until we have traced the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully; a small voice will let you know
which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nobody will
answer anyway.

Subject: If cars were *really* like computers

What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline...

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side.'

HelpLine:' How did you try to open the passenger's side?'

Customer:' I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.'

HelpLine:' People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way.'

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' How do I turn my windshield wipers on?'

HelpLine:' There's a little button more...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!

HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?

Customer: What's an ignition?

HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!

HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from' E' to' F'. Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: It's pointing to' E'. What does that mean?

HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more more...

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it? "

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"


HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from' E' to' F.' Where is the needle more...

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did...
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a more...