Higher Jokes / Recent Jokes

This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.
Make the Pie Higher
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbileans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?" The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop." "Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi." I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I mightbe made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously." Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal""Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi. Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could beelected Pope, but..."So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?" "What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it."

Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________
KNOWLEDGE:
1. ____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2. ____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3. ____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
4. ____ Brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I. Q.
ACCURACY:
1. ____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women
2. ____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
3. ____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
4. ____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
ATTITUDE:
1. ____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)
2. ____ Brown noser in poor standing
3. ____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job
4. ____ Doesn't give a shit, never did, never will
RELIABILITY:
1. ____ Really a dependable little cocksucker
2. ____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3. ____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
4. ____ more...

Dear Contributor:
The "NBA Player Adoption Program" desperately needs your charitable assistance. With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we really care. What those men are forced to endure -- it's just not right!
Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the NBA seven-figure salary poverty line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year!
But now you can help!
For only about $2,000.00 a day -- that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV -- you can help keep an impoverished basketball player economically viable during his time of need.
$2,000.00 a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an NBA basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in bug-infested Florida or a life-renewing Mediterranean cruise.
For you, more...

Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My
girlfriend and me-we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were
home, hanging stockings with care, Secure in their knowledge
St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Hanukkah
candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There
weren't any concerts to got to that night. A dance would have
saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the
papers; there wasn't a thing.

Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the
wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I
could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and
called out "CHINESE FOOD!"

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots To
cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our
jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The T," bound more...

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, more...