Homeless Jokes / Recent Jokes
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to more...
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they more...
That’s right, I said it. I hate homeless people. I give money to homeless organizations so I don’t have to see these people in my city. They’re annoying. “Give me a quarter, give me a quarter.”
Give me a break. One guy tried to make me feel better. “Give me a quarter, I’m saving up to go to college.” Really? Whattya gonna do, walk into the registrars office at NYU with like ten grand in coins: “Yeah, I’d like to take Econ. 101 and um... a bath?”
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Whats the best thing about dating a homeless chick?
you can drop her off anywhere.
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. -I know,- he says, they say' you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new more...
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger
because there was no room for them in the inn.
And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I
bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which
is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel, said a Pharisee, who happened
to be strolling by.
As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious
symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols
were not allowed to land, or even hover. "And I have to tell you,
this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene, he
said sadly. "That's a no-no, too.
Joseph had a bright idea, "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and the ass? he more...