Hospital Jokes / Recent Jokes

Man#1 is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly. The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file. There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Man#1 runs to catch up with Man#2 and his dog.
Man#1 asks Man#2 who's in the first hearse.
Man#2 replies, "My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a bit later."
Man#1 says, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who's in the second hearse?"
Man#2 says, "Not at all, it's my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital."
Man#1 replies, "Can I borrow your dog?"
Man#2, "Get in line."

Ralph, feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to
the hospital to undergo tests.
After the lengthy exam, he wakes up hungry and quite groggy. Ralph looks about,
noticing that he is now in a private room at the hospital. Just then the phone
by his bed rings...
"This is your doctor," said the serious voice. "We just got the results back
from your battery of tests. Obviously, you have lead a very promiscuous life."
Ralph smiled: "And I've enjoyed every minute!"
The doctor's voice became even more serious: "Well you're not going to enjoy
this; We've found you have an extremely nasty disease called G.A.S.H. It's a
combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"
"My gosh, doctor!" said Ralph, now quite worried. "What are you going to do?"
The doctor explained: "The first thing we're going to do is put you on a strict
diet of pizzas, more...

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

Sabbath Violator.
Morris and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute," Morris replied. "Didn`t you read that book I lent you, `The Other Side of the Story`, about the command to judge other people favourably? I`ll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving`s behaviour."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he`s sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he`s healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
"Well, maybe his wife`s having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She`s more...

>> Freddie Bloor
>> --------------
>>
>> Now this is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
>> whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
>> By the time they freed him he didn't feel well
>> for his private parts were mangled to hell.
>>
>> They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew
>> but when they arrived there was nowt they could do.
>> What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
>> to a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice.
>>
>> But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool
>> some bright spark suggested a bionic tool.
>> A bright new electric one made out of brass,
>> though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.
>>
>> So newly equipped and after a rest,
>> Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test.
>> So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
>> he piled her with drink and made her feel randy.
>>
>> The girl without waiting, put more...

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins.""What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets.""Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply."Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I more...