"Sexual Equipment.....................................................!" joke

>> Freddie Bloor
>> --------------
>>
>> Now this is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
>> whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
>> By the time they freed him he didn't feel well
>> for his private parts were mangled to hell.
>>
>> They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew
>> but when they arrived there was nowt they could do.
>> What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
>> to a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice.
>>
>> But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool
>> some bright spark suggested a bionic tool.
>> A bright new electric one made out of brass,
>> though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.
>>
>> So newly equipped and after a rest,
>> Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test.
>> So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
>> he piled her with drink and made her feel randy.
>>
>> The girl without waiting, put her hand in his flies,
>> when she felt what was there gave a cry of surprise.
>> "That's my bionic chopper, now let's have some fun!",
>> "Cor blimey!", she said, "It feels like a gun!"
>>
>> They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast,
>> and he turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast.
>> They clutched tight to each other as Fred's dick shook for
>> more,
>> then they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor.
>>
>> Now the part hotted up and they started to choke
>> as the air in the room became filled with blue smoke.
>> With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air
>> and his other went plonkety plonk down the stair.

>> So back for repair went poor Fred, full of woe,
>> was this how his sex life was destined to go?
>> A return to the doctor at the end of each shag
>> with his prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag.
>>
>> But they fixed young Fred up, made him manly again,
>> and they helped out the batteries with a flex for the main,
>> so if he can't get a girl, now lucky Fred doesn't cry,
>> cos he's AC/DC and can go with a guy.
>>
>> --------------------
>>
>>
>> Here it is - the sequal to Bionic Fred.....
>> -------------------------------------------
>>
>> Now this is the story of Fred's girlfriend, Kelly.
>> Punk rocker, pink hair, six foot nine, fat and smelly.
>> But these delicate features all passed Fred straight by,
>> It was another, less subtle, that soon caught his eye.
>>
>> The problem, you see, was the size of her chests.
>> The unfortunate Kelly had uneven breasts.
>> The right one was normal, size 36 D.
>> The left one hung down, to way past her knee.
>>
>> But Fred did not mind; there was a glint in his eye.
>> As the unbalanced Kelly lurched carefully by.
>> He walked up beside her and, looking so cool,
>> Said "I'm Fred, good in bed, care to sample my tool?"
>>
>> "My name is Kelly," she said, with a smile,
>> Resting her boob on the ground for a while.
>> She knocked out her pipe on the side of his conk,
>> Said "Lets go to my place - we'll have a quick bonk."
>>
>> They got onto bed and Fred undressed her quick,
>> And turned up the power on his electronic dick.
>> Then grabbing a handful of mammory gland,
>> Wrapped it twice round his neck like a huge rubber band.
>>
>> Kelly, meanwhile, had nothing to hold.
>> Then she spied Freddy's whopper, gleaming purple and gold.
>> With one hand she pushed Freddy flat on his back,
>> Got down on her knees, and prepared to attack.
>>
>> But back at the hospital for a quick clean and fix,
>> The nurses had got all the plans in a mix.
>> And the doctor who wired it made a bad job,
>> So poor kelly got 10, 000 volts through her gob.
>>
>> She gave a sharp cry and jumped back in pain,
>> And her left breast began to stretch, from the strain.
>> The whiplash pulled Fred from the bed to a chair,
>> And his face went all purple as he strugged for air.
>>
>> As poor Fred did writhe with a gurgling sound,
>> Kelly was rather too quick to turn round.
>> And as he was plucked, with great force, from the chair,
>> He grabbed hold of Kelly by her pink spikey hair.
>>
>> On landing, entangled, in a heap on the floor,
>> Fred unwrapped himself fast, and made for the door.
>> Straight down the stairs, out into the street,
>> With his puffed face bright red and his pants round his
>> feet.
>>
>> Yelled "Make no mistake," his voice full of mourning,
>> "That bosom should carry a public health warning!"
>> "From now on I'll stick to my first rule of thumb,"
>> "Any more than a handful, an' you risk a sprained tongue!"
>>