Hungry Jokes / Recent Jokes
A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him. "Would you like some food?" she asked.
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked.
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She disappeared into the woods again and returned Sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven! Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
Does my bum look big in this? = Tell me
I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this
later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you
moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late,
you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just
agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have
flabby thighs
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and
you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for
something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision
should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is
sex all you ever think
about??
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your
shoes and find a good
game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something
today that more...
The newlyweds are on their honeymoon, preparing to consummate their marriage, when the wife says, "I have a confession to make, dear. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other man."
"In this day and age, that's no big thing, honey," the husband says. "Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods," she confesses.
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" he asks.
"Yes, that's him," she says.
"Well, he is handsome, rich and famous, so I can understand why you went to be with him," he replies.
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she asks. "I'm hungry, so I thought I'd call room service for some food," he explains. "Tiger wouldn't do that!" she exclaims.
"Oh, really? What would Tiger do?" he asks.
"Tiger would come back to bed and do it a second time," she replies.
He puts more...
Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadn't stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry. He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.
The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what he'll have and he looks at that chili and says, "Lady, I am starving to die, here, that chili looks good, I'll have that."
The waitress goes off and comes back with the trucker's steamy bowl of chili that he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him, "hey, I'm still kind of hungry, if you're not gonna eat that, may I?" and the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.
Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and there's this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl more...
Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadn't stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry. He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what he'll have and he looks at that chili and says, "Lady, I am starving to die, here, that chili looks good, I'll have that."The waitress goes off and comes back with the trucker's steamy bowl of chili that he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him, "hey, I'm still kind of hungry, if you're not gonna eat that, may I?" and the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and there's this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl and the biker more...
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish.............................. 49
Adventurous..................... Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................ No boobs
Average looking................. Ugly
Beautiful........................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................ Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure.............. On medication
Feminist............................ Fat
Free spirit.......................... Junkie
Friendship first................... Former slut
Fun.................................. Annoying
Gentle.............................. Dull
New Age........................... Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded..................... Desperate
Outgoing........................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................ Sloppy drunk
Poet................................. Depressive
Professional....................... more...