Hurt Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom. He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways. Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don; t worry it will go away. Then the little boy runs down stairs, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away. Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down - "honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!"
Drew Carey still needs more practice as the new host of The Price Is Right. Did you hear about Bob Barker's replacement?? He was hurt on the set of the game show Friday when his arm was caught in a revolving turntable during a rehearsal for the Grocery Game......the good news is he wasn't seriously injured......the bad news is that in honor of Bob Barker, hospital officials spayed and neutured him....
The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
A young girl was having a tooth pulled and the dentist tells her the usual B.S. "This won't hurt at all" routine before bending over her with the pliers in his hand. He instantly drops the pliers in total panic. "Miss," he said in a weak whimper, "Your grabbing my groin!" "Yes Doctor, I know" she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to
drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like 'How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.
Section One: Mathematics
For each problem, estimate the total number of times
this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
I don't care what the other kids get to do.
... and this time I really mean it.
Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
Now we're REALLY going to be late.
One... I'm counting... two... I'm counting...
Because I'm the Mommy more...
A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!'
'What do you mean?' said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'
Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'
The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'
'Why yes,' she said.
'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'
A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!''What do you mean?' said the doctor.The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?''Why yes,' she said.'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'