Illness Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man named Zhang Xuze, after having his bed repaired and embellished, wanted to show it off. As no one was likely to come into his bedroom to look at it, he hit upon an idea. Pretending to be ill, he kept to his bed so that his in-laws and friends might come over to see him. His brother-in-law, You Yangzi, who had a pair of new stockings knitted, wanted to show it off, too. The day he came over to see Zhang, he purposely tucked up his robe as he sat down and lifted one leg, putting the ankle of it on the knee of the other. Then he inquired: "Well, what's wrong with you?" Zhang Xuzi, looking at him for some time, could not help smiling. "We have the same illness," was the reply.
NATIONAL FLOWER: Bunga Raya (Hibiscus). NATIONAL CAR: Proton. 2nd NATIONAL CAR: Perodua Kancil. 3rd NATIONAL CAR: Perodua Tikus it's suppose to be half the size of the Kancil, but somehow Malaysian drivers will still be able to squeeze in 6 or 7 passengers. NATIONAL BEHAVIOR AT CAR SHOWROOMS: First walk towards the car you are interested in. Then walk around the car in circles, tapping and knocking every part of the chassis with your knuckles. Then say something like "Body not very solid..." After that approach the front left tire, give it a few hard kicks to "test" the tire. Next walk to the rear right side and press the body of the car down a few times, while exclaiming "wah, asorbar not bad". Now you are ready for a "test drive" Get into the car and give the steering wheel a few turns. Flash the lights, sound the horn, recline the seats, open up every compartment etc. Do all these tests while you're pretending to read the more...
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p. m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8: 30 p. m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don`t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether more...
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on `It`s a Terrible Experience`."
12. "Due to the Rector`s illness, Wednesday`s healing services will be discontinued until further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare`s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today`s Sermon: `How Much Can a Man Drink?` with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a church bulletin during more...
The illness
Two friends meet in the street. One says, “Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in law is ill?”
“Yes.”
“In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was in hospital.”
“Yes.”
“How long has she been in hospital, Isaac?”
Isaac replies, “In 3 weeks time, please G-d, it will be a month.”
In recent days, much has been written about the change in our national mood, and how the tragic attacks will affect the entertainment industry.
After consulting with industry leaders, we have taken the initiative and drafted the following guidelines for comedy and for action movies. These rules are effective as of October 1.
COMEDY RULES
Until further notice, all violent humor is to be replaced by sexist humor.
Similarly, all ethnic humor is to be replaced by obesity humor.
Jokes about death are to be replaced by jokes about long-term illness.
Jokes about long-term illness are to be replaced by jokes about minor injury.
Any stand-up comic who does a routine about airplanes is to be accompanied onstage by a federal marshal. (We should have done this years ago.)
No comedy is to be directed at countries with valuable airspace.
From now on, irony can only be deployed when referring to the following:
black flies in Chardonnays
free rides when more...
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."