Included Jokes

An officer in the U. S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U. S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German."
The group became silent.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow
In Santa Ana, Calif., an appeals court ruled that a skier who was paralyzed after he collided with the steel post that supported a sign saying "Be Aware - Ski With Care" may sue the resort that erected the sign.
The winner of the Fourth Annual American Express Most Outrageous Gift Search was the Do-It-Yourself Mink Coat Kit, which included a mink trap, skinner's knife, pelt stretcher, needle and thread. Runners-up included a jar of navel lint, a dead cat's ashes, a gift certificate to an out-of-business restaurant and a voodoo doll complete with needles and instructions.
Our Run For The Hills, The Lawyers Have Landed Award to a lawsuit filed against the publisher of the Beardstown Ladies Common-Sense Investment Guide, which seeks damages because the 1995 book exaggerated the profits of the club of elderly women investors by adding contributions by its members into its total investment gains. The lawsuit, which more...

Don't Forget to read the "Fine Print"

PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:


The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:

1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a more...

Bifocals Barbie
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild
colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of
Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while
tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with
hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available
with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Flabby Arms Barbie
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved
gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support
panels are included.
Bunion Barbie
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken
their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the
pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
No-More-Wrinkles Barbie
Erase those pesky crow's-feet more...

Editor's Note: It's dry parody. You gotta really like sci-fi to enjoy this one...

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Experiment 8 Postflight Summary
NASA publication 14-307-1792
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ABSTRACT

The purpose of this experiment was to prepare for the expected participation in long-term space based research by husband-wife teams once the US space station is in place. To this end, the investigators explored a number of possible approaches to continued marital relations in the zero-G orbital environment provided by the XXXXXX shuttle mission.

Our primary conclusion is that satisfactory marital relations are within the realm of possibility in zero-G, but that many couples would have difficulty getting used to the approaches we found to be most satisfactory.

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INTRODUCTION

The more...