Information Jokes / Recent Jokes
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any
opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
1) Drink liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a
subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice,
you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy.
You'll be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly
upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
2) Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying more...
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five--one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
Q: How many more...
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we? ”
The man yells back, “About a half mile from town. ”
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer. ”
The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that? ”
The first says, “That`s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant. ”
386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're thinking of
buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.
Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.
Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly
shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.
Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing
before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date
versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.
Buffer: The only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which
most computer store salespeople are qualified.
Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto
spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're
getting real value for your money.
CD-ROM: A $30 more...
The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 25
Number 4/1979. P. O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411
1. INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United
States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make
an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that
all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the
court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such
atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States
courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the
intelligence of a cabbage, and more...
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________
INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENCE ________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ STATE___________ POSTCODE______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than more...
You might be calling to give me important information. If so, leave your information at the tone. Or perhaps you just want to have a casual conversation. If so, leave a message and I'll get back to you so we can have the conversation later. Or perhaps you want to know what I'm doing tonight, in which case it's the same thing I do every night. TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!