Instrument Jokes / Recent Jokes
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA! Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms! Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand. Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use.
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn`t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can`t handle his instrument and doesn`t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can`t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named' Mingus' and a pianist named' Monk', and any day now we expect this' Blakey' guy to show up with his drums."Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor. 1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa. 2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 3. Bury your head in the music just before cues. 4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour. 5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good more...
From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It's hosted by Ed McMahon. 9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups. 8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables. 7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan. 6. One word: polkas. 5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls. 4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents. 3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving. 1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"