Iron Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this more...

Yo Mama is so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days-much less 30 minutes-employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP more...

Final Confession
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"This one has changed for the occasion."
The President takes the day off from work to elude the press corps and Hillary. He decides to go golfing. Bill gives the slip to the Secret Service and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public course in Maryland.
He is on the 2nd hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to tee off when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The President looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove him wrong, puts his driver away and grabs his 9 iron.
Boom! He hits the ball 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The Frog replies "Ribbit. Luck Frog."
The President decides to take him to the next hole. What do you think frog?" the President asks.
"Ribbit. more...

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip encountered a terrible storm. The plane got pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lighting. The passengers were screaming, certain that the plane was going to crash and that they were all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumped up and exclaimed, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here who's man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She saw a hand go up in the back of the plane, and an incredibly handsome, tall, muscular man with dark, flowing hair smiled and started to walk up to her seat.
As he approached her, he slowly took off his shirt. She could see his impressive musculature even in the faltering lighting of the plane. He stood in front of her, shirt in hand, and said, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
She eagerly more...

A man takes a day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole, when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot when he hears
"Ribbit, 9 iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anybody. So he gets ready again, when he hears
"Ribbit 9 iron"
He looks at the frog, and decides to prove him wrong. He puts away his club, and gets a 9 iron.
He whacked that ball, and it landed 10 in. from the cup! He was shocked, and looked at the frog, "Wow, that was amazing" he said "You must be a lucky frog then."
"Ribbit, Lucky Frog"
The man takes the frog to the next hole. "What do you think?" he said.
"Ribbit, 3 wood"
The man takes out his 3 wood, and hit the ball. Hole in 1! He was befuddled, and didn't know what to say.
He took the frog to every hole, and he golfed his best game.
"OK," said the man more...

Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck.

The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels.

To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey", but would rust to an iron one.

When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, more...