Iron Jokes / Recent Jokes
These are real labelings on real products that they sell around the world.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a SUGGESTION.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Hmm, a no go on the dessert)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really? I thought it would be cold)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Oh darn, I was going to!)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (That would really bring down the number of construction accidents by keeping those 5-year-olds off of those forklifts!)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And I'm taking this because?)
On most brands of more...
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
Unfortunately, he realises that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realises that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realises that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment more...
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S more...
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:ON A HAIRDRYER:*Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:*Directions: Use like regular soap.FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:*Defrost.ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:*Fits one head.ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:*Product will be hot after heating.ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:*Do not Iron clothes on body.ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:*Do not drive car or operate machinery.ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):*Warning: May cause drowsiness.ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:*Warning: Keep out of children.ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:*For indoor or outdoor use only.ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:*Not to be used for the other use.ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:*Warning: contains nutsON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:*Do not more...
Pat and Mike are playing golf one day and Pat hits a hook off the tee into a deep ravine running alongside the fairway. He goes down into the ravine to look for his ball while Mike takes the cart over to the other side of the fairway.
After a while, Mike realizes that he hasn't seen Pat in quite some time so he goes back over to the ravine. Looking down, he sees his partner sitting on the ground shaking uncontrollably. Next to him is a skeleton clutching a seven iron with a golf ball next to his feet.
Mike descends into the ravine and helps Pat stand up. After he composes himself, Pat says "What do you think we should do?"
"Well," says Mike, "I sure don't think you want to use your seven iron."
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man.
"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."
The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"
"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow
"You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment.
"Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of' em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a more...