Jock Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
"God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"
Lottery night! Someone else wins...
Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!"
Lottery night again! Still no luck...
Jock prays again. " Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?
To help you in formulating your answer, the following should be considered:
Michael Jordan will make more than $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming he also makes $40 million in endorsements next year, he will be making $178,000 a day, working or not.
If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $8.00 (without popcorn and drink), but will make $18,500 while he is there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he will make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415 per hour more than minimum wage, even after the wage hike.
He will make $3,710 while watching each episode of "FRIENDS". If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (cost $90,000), it will take him a whole 12 hours to earn the money.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at a rate of 2 dollars every second. He will probobly pay around $200 for a nice round of more...

A gorilla at the Bristol Zoo became the first gorilla to give birth in captivity using fertility drugs normally used by humans.

The female gorilla named Salome was not becoming pregnant by her partner Jock despite regular mating. She refused to give up a promising career in marketing and he was dead-set against adoption.
The decision to use fertility drugs came after zoo keepers got tired of all the awkward questions whenever Jock's in-laws came to visit.

The zoo expects a major upswing in attendance as people flock to see the new baby and ask questions about how the gorillas got their health plan to cover the procedure.

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.
In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, “Buddy, if she went out with me, she’d never go out with you ever again. ”
To which the local jock replied, “Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she’d never go out with ANYONE ever again. ”

One day there was a blonde complaining to her best friend.
Blonde: I'm sick and tired of bieng called a dumb blonde!!
Friend: Well you should prove them wrong somehow. Try learning the state capitals!
Blonde: Great idea!
A few days later, thier was a party and the blonde's friend invited her.
Jock: Hey look! Its a dumb blonde!
Blonde: I'm not dumb! I know the state capitals!
Jock: Oh yeah? Prove it! Whats the capital of Montana?
Blonde: Thats easy! It's "M".

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department.""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported."Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."